


Trina Works It Out

by EggrollsOrWhatever



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, HIV/AIDS, I did not mean to make this so angsty, Is this good? At this point idk man, It just happened, This is in third person don’t let the description fool you, but I do that with everything I write, haha help me, idk what’s going on with the spacing whoops, im sorry, marvin doesn’t diE in it but spoiler alert things do happen, oof trina, she is NOT having a good time and is honestly feeling so attacked rn, trina pov, with ~~the problem~~
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:33:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23371741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EggrollsOrWhatever/pseuds/EggrollsOrWhatever
Summary: Run. Run. Just another mile. Feel the burn in your lungs, feel your sides start to ache, feel your legs start to hurt.Maybe in another mile.Maybe in fifteen more.Maybe there’s no point and you’ll never feel okay.—Trina works through things by running.Things such as death.
Relationships: Trina/Mendel Weisenbachfeld, Whizzer Brown/Marvin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 40





	Trina Works It Out

—

_Run. Run. Just another mile. Feel the burn in your lungs, feel your sides start to ache, feel your legs start to hurt._

_Maybe in another mile._

_Maybe in fifteen more._

_Maybe there’s no point and you’ll never feel okay._

Trina comes to a halt, crumbling down to sit awkwardly on the side walk. Her breathing was ragged and sweat dripped uncomfortably down her back, but she felt nothing still.

Nothing as in nothing good.

Nothing was better. 

There are no words to describe the violent void that opens up inside you as soon as you see someone fall, flatline. Nothing. She can feel tears choking her as she thinks of it, and shakily tries to get back up to run more. 

It’s so unfair. It’s all so unfair. How the hell is she supposed to deal with this? She takes care of Marvin for years, Jason, has to make do with Whizzer, Mendel. And now that one is gone, she knows they’re gonna be a wreck. A horrible horrible wreck. And they don’t know how to take care of themselves, so she’ll have to be strong. 

She is so done with trying to be strong.

—

_It was after. A while after. After the ceremony and such._

_She saw him._

_Why did she always have to see him?_

_See him sneaking in at 4 in the morning with no explanation, see him in the school cafeteria where they met and her life subsequently became a very complicated soap opera, see him fucking another man in their den, see him break down over his (now, she thought morbidly and painfully, ex ex ex) lover’s lifeless body._

_Trina always has to see, because apparently God hates her._

_Marvin’s eyes. So empty. It scared her. He had been walking out of a room, Charlotte behind him, watching from the door, scared and distraught, trying to keep it together. They were all trying to keep it together, really. Charlotte had always blamed herself for not being able to save Whizzer. It hurt Trina. It worried Cordelia. But didn’t it do that to them all?_

_“Marvin,” Trina had said. Quiet, so quiet her voice wouldn’t shake. “What is it?”_

_He looked up as if he didn’t truly see her there. He looks confused for a second, vision hazy with misery._

_What really scares her is the strained smile he tries to put on for her. “Oh, nothing.” He says._

_“Marvin…” She repeats. She can’t handle this right now. She can’t handle this right now. “Now is really not the time to lie to me.” She can’t._

_He looks at her for a long time. Almost debating. So, so painful._

_“Tomorrow.” He says._

_He leaves._

_Trina feels her lip start to wobble and berades herself._ You’re being silly, it’s probably nothing, maybe it’s Whizzer.

_It doesn’t help._

_Trina always sees it._

—

Trina doesn’t think of herself as good with words. She rather communicates through other ways.

_Run. Run._ Hear the labored breathing, feel the even pounding. _Burn your lungs_ . It corrodes the chest. Spreading outwards, _infectious infectious_. Everything hurts and you struggle to not lay down and die. 

You feel dead for days. You run and are reminded you’re alive. Pain always reminds you. Pain, if all else in the word withers away, is always there to bring the blurriness back into focus.

Trina shakes her head at that, desperate. For what she doesn’t know. 

Grief. Seeing a flatline. First the lungs are still, doused in gasoline. Then they’re engulfed, and everything follows. Everything burns. Everything dies.

_Run. Run. You can’t stop running._ How many miles has it been? That doesn’t matter anymore. Get to the stop sign. Get to the tree. _Maybe you should run into the road. Maybe you should let the vultures eat you like everyone else._

Trina tried to count her steps, but god. The mess that is her brain is so disgustingly distracting.

—

_“Hey.”_

_“Hey.”_

_Trina sits in a park. It’s a nice park. She’s forgotten the name._

_The trees have sunlight streaming through them. There’s the sound of water trickling and children laughing somewhere. Colorful birds play tag in the warm air._

_Much too good a park, much too good a day._

_Marvin sits down beside her._

_They haven’t been alone for some time._

_“It’s nice out.” He says. It comes out so sad she can almost hear his thoughts._

_Why do days like this exist when Whizzer doesn’t?_

_It’s such a simple question with such a simple answer she’s puzzled by the way it debilitates her every day._

_“I wish it wasn’t.” She doesn’t mean to say it. But she doesn’t quite regret it._

_He gives a nod of agreement to that._

_They wait a while. Watching ponds and flowers and just way too much beauty in general._

_“I almost didn’t tell you.” He says eventually. “I almost just walked away without saying anything, wanting to wait. I almost said to ask Charlotte. But.”_

_“But?”_

_“But, at this point, I really don’t know. I can’t do that. It’s sel-” He pauses. Fiddles. Chews on his lip. She remembers he did that a lot on their honeymoon, whenever they had sex, when he was cheating on her._

_“Just, should I just- like a bandaid? Rip it off?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_He takes a breath. Trina looks over at her ex husband, preparing for the worst._

_“Sexually transmitted. That’s what Charlotte said. What Whizzer had is infectious.” It all comes out very fast and monotone. Trina feels the world tilting, her lungs being doused in gasoline._

_“I’m going to die, Trina.” It’s less monotone this time._

_There’s no such thing as preparing for the worst. There’s just blow after blow with no kindness from the universe._

_Trina feels the burning the next day._

—

Trina tries to think of Mendel. How she would run with him. They still did of course, it’s just she took this run alone. 

Mendel is kind to her. Mendel is amazing.

It soothes her a bit, so of course her mind tries to give her Jason out of reflex, and everything is spiraling again.

Her poor, little baby Jason. The way he looked at her when she had to tell him his father was gone, on his bar mitzvah of all days, the way he’ll look at her when she has to tell him another one of his fathers is gone. Three chess pieces dwindle down to one so easily. She remembers when he got his first board, carrying it around with him everywhere, distraught and lashing out when he lost a piece.

Trina has always been someone that spiraled. Overthinked. If the disease lies dormant for a while, what if Whizzer had it when Marvin was cheating on her? And what if she got it? And then Mendel? Of course, her and Marvin never had sex when that thing was going on, and it wasn’t very often in the first place, so she knows it’s impossible, but what if?

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to live. Marvin was suicidal in high school. What if he went back to that state of mind? She knows it’s hypocritical with what she thinks nowadays, but…she wouldn’t be able to live with him gone. It already felt unrepairable when Whizzer left. She can’t handle it again. She can’t. 

Trina keeps running until black spots appear in her eyes and she thinks, hey, maybe here in the middle of wherever is a bad place to faint. She shakily walks home. Since when had it been so dark out? 

Mendel is waiting for her when she gets there. 

“Hey, honey! How was your run? ...You okay?” 

Trina nods. 

What else can she do, when she can’t even think. 

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to live. She wonders if it felt like this for Whizzer. 

What it will feel like for the other.

_Hypocrite._

“Y-yeah, it was fine, I’m just- exhausted. Night, honey.” She sounds horrible even to her own ears. But everything sounds horrible to her now. She hadn’t even recovered from Whizzer, barely, not at all, she can’t even say what happened to him without crying. 

His eyes are big and worried. Oh so brown. It only makes her feel worse, like the black hole that’s been fighting to swallow her has sped up fifteen times faster. 

How often had she given those eyes to Marvin?

To Whizzer? Jason? Everyone she loved and cared for?

How long would she still be able to?

“Okay.” He says gently. “Jason’s already in bed. Don’t worry too much.”

Hah.

Trina gives a vague nod of her head and wanders upstairs. 

She knows she should shower or something, cause she feels disgusting and lord knows she sure smells it, but she can hardly walk. Hardly see through the blur of tears. 

Sleeping hasn’t been peaceful for the last couple of nights, but she hopes she’s tired enough to get through it. 

She doesn’t have much, if any, time to fret about it or break down before she’s unconscious.

—

_I’m going to die, Trina._

—

He said it just like Whizzer.

Trina just wants the feeling of feeling happy back.

—

**Author's Note:**

> Yo. Thanks for reading, hope you liked it! 
> 
> This just happened and idk why or how but it ain’t like im complaining :,))
> 
> I thrive on validation, give me some serotonin and comment lmao


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